


love me til my heart stops

by RicsChaos



Category: Glee, Quitt - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Love & Death - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 07:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RicsChaos/pseuds/RicsChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quinn died with a secret. When a handwritten letter is passed on to Brittany, her spirits return to find out the truth about Quinn. But then the unexpected happens. Quitt/ Fierce AU. Brittany POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	love me til my heart stops

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Quitt Week and I never finished editing it until now. 
> 
> I don’t like to give this a trigger warning, but it might trigger thoughts and memories about death and losing people. If you don’t like it, don’t read. Apart from this, I’d like to mention, that it is not my intention to write a story where I just kill characters for fun. This story is NOT about grief and death, this is about love and reunion. It was an experience for me to write something hopeful into a sad and angsty setting and I’m not sure if I succeeded. You tell me. It might be absolute sh** as well… But I’m all up for constructive criticism and feedback. :)

 

I didn’t believe that dying, which leads into the state of death was too bad. I didn’t think it was painful either, as long as it happened fairly quick and not as part of a serious injury or illness. But maybe even the pain of all the above was not comparable with the pain I had to experience.  Pain, that was beyond anything possible to feel, like a laceration to the heart and to the mind. Pain, that felt like every cell of my 20 year old body was bursting and left me panting on the ground, one hand at my chest, holding my actual heart that couldn’t decide between fibrillation and stopping. I think above everything, there was nothing worse than the pain of losing someone beloved. Their traces are imprinted into your heart, your souls melted with each other, forever bonded. It was not possible to forget this person, like it was not possible to recover fully after losing a limb. While our loved ones are alive, we tend to forgot how precious the time we actually spend with them is, and we forget how short a human life can be. We think we can never lose them until they are gone, and there is nothing left of them besides a memory. Yes, the pain of losing someone is the worst of all. And it is only reserved for the living, when your beloved ones are dying and it is horrible, because it feels like we are dying, too, while the pain is the only thing that reminds us that we’re still alive.

When Quinn died, my world shattered into pieces. I hadn’t expected this; nobody had expected it because it was an accident. From one second to the other she was just gone. Dead.  Deceased. Expired. No more. Call it how you want. It took me a very, very long time to realise what actually had happened; that this was reality.

_Dead._

Every morning I would wake up in my bed, absolutely exhausted of the night, trying to wake up from this on-going nightmare, only to acknowledge over and over again, that she was not there anymore. And I couldn’t do a fuck about it. _Dead. Dead. Dead._ I cried and mourned and ached as my body felt heavy and I couldn’t get my head around the situation. I wanted to make it undone, but it was too late to do anything. I was left with what I had on her, what she had given me and what we had shared. So many more things I had wanted to say to her, so many more thoughts I had wanted her to know. When my voice screamed them out into the dull, cloudy sky of spring, my words were left unanswered. I cried until my mind ran empty and my limbs became numb. I knew this was only because my body couldn’t take the pain anymore. This was too much. They told me I was allowed to cry and be sad, but they also said that I had to move on eventually. But how would I be able to fill this gap she had left in me, this abyss of nothingness, of helplessness… of loneliness. I missed her. I noticed only then, that she had meant so much more to me than I had been aware of.  They said that time mended everything, and for a long while of my life, I believed those words were true. But not when it came to her.  She could never be replaced. She was everything to me. And I had lost her forever.

“Brittany, there is someone at the door for you,” my mother called from downstairs. I turned around in my bed. I think it was afternoon or so, I had just woken, or had I just fallen asleep? I could hardly tell the difference anymore. My voice gave a weak reply, probably not even loud enough to make it through the walls, so I tried to lift my legs out of bed. I felt my toes touching one of the bottles that lay scattered around the floor. Yes, it had happened that in my state of grief I had also delivered myself to the alcohol, which was, I can’t decide, either a blessing or decay. I came crawling down on shaking legs which reminded me that I hadn’t used them for a while. Also, wasn’t a visitor a strange thing to happen? I believed I had lost all my friends when I turned away from everyone and ignored them until they gave up asking for me.  

I hadn’t expected Finn standing in the doorframe and yet there he was, shaggy haired, dorky Finn; the one who had broken her heart so many years ago. There was nobody I disliked more for hurting my precious Quinn, back then when I still cared enough to dislike anyone. A small smile flinched over his lips when I approached, his eyes stuck to the spot where my eyes squint by the sunlight, that I had missed for so many years.

“Britt,” he started. What a poor attempt to arouse my enthusiasm for the words that would follow. What I didn’t expect though was that he didn’t continue at all. Instead he held his hand outstretched and by looking at it I saw a folded letter between his fingers. It was a letter like every other; plain, white, standard size, and I would have laughed at him, if I had the ability to and if I hadn’t seen the scribbled writing under his fingers on the paper.

“Finn, what the –“ I croaked, my mouth felt so incredibly dry and my tongue, ripped from its position by the sudden reaction, started to be pretty sore. I closed my mouth again and hoped for saliver to kick into production and moisten the insides of my cheeks. I wanted to rip the paper from him and  made a hasty step which nearly brought me to fall. Thank god I did not, because he would have caught me and I didn’t have the slightest intention to ever fall into anyone’s arms apart from Quinn’s. He held the paper high, away me, but shifting his fingers, he gave me the opportunity to take a full glimpse on the writing. It read nothing but two words:

_For you._

I stared at Finn and then stared through him as my mind wandered off, trying to figure it out. What did this mean?

“Who is _you_ …?” I said slowly, without moving my mouth, probably mumbling in attempt to rest my still sore tongue.

“I don’t know,” he gave back. “Listen. They found this under her stuff. Didn’t even notice it at first, but…” he broke off and began once again. “It is an unfinished letter. Lay around open without any envelope and nearly got binned. They didn’t quite know what to do with it. It has no addressor. I just thought, because you guys were so close you would maybe know more.”

I was suddenly intrigued and wanted to know what was written there. Could it be? Yes, could it maybe be, that it was for me? Something she had missed to mention before she deceased? Stretching out my hand I fetched the letter as soon as he lowered it and was overwhelmed by the feeling of holding something in my hands that was hers, something written by her that I hadn’t seen before; something new. Carefully I turned it and examined her handwriting. Quinn had loved writing and reading, and everything that belonged into the world of pen and paper. Her writing looked even and uneven at the same time, without a certain direction and a little bit chaotic, but still flowing and nice to read. A bitter feeling spread in me because I should have told her how much I cherished her.  How much I loved her. But enough of that. I opened and examined the simply folded sheet. Finn leaned against the door frame and watched me with the most bizarre expression on his face. Disappointed I confirmed that there was indeed no addressor, or something that could give a hint on it.

_Hey,_

_I think it doesn’t make much sense to talk around it, so I spare you the small talk I would usually give you in a letter before I come to the point. There is something you need to know, something I have kept secret from you for too long. I had my reasons to not come around with it earlier, and you must promise that you are not mad at me. I just feel that if I don’t tell you, you don’t have the whole picture of me, that’s why I decided to speak now. I-_

That was it. That was all. Quinn must have begun to write but not finished it before she died. Or had she changed her mind about completing it?

“What the hell, Finn?” I snapped and let the boy flinch. It was probably the first time of my life that I swore in front of others. I had no reason to be polite in this world that did nothing but screwing me over.

“Who the hell is this addressed to?”

“I don’t know, I thought you might know,” he answered. “Thought it might have been for you, or...” he stopped, took a breath and struggled to continue. Something that looked like guilt was readable in his eyes. He stayed silent.

“Or what?!” I encouraged him.

“Nothing, I mean…” he scratched his scalp. “I don’t know, maybe it was for me.”

I stared at him for a second before I burst into hysterical laughter. “You?” My laughter sounded scratchy like a dog with bronchitis, and even though I was being sarcastic, laughing was something I hadn’t done for ages.

“Idiot! Why would it be for you?” I snapped back when I was done being amused. Finn bit his lip, looking down on his oversized feet.  “It was just a thought,” he piped up.

I didn’t say anything else besides a short goodbye before I slammed the door into his face. The letter was not for him! It could not be. But the possibility bugged me, you can’t even imagine how much. And then the most horrific thought took shape in my head. What if she had wanted him back? _No_ , a small voice whispered from the other side of my mind. The reason for her to write this letter was because she had fallen in love with me like I had with her. Or maybe, and most likely, it was about something very random. Anyway, she had a secret, and I was going to find out.

This thing, this letter, this secret had a strange effect on me. It woke me up and let me gain a little of my strength back. The willingness to live rose in me like early spring flowers breaking through the snow.  Even though I was only living for this only matter and didn’t care about anything else, still I was up and out, and that meant a lot. On another note, it brought me so close to the past again, that I could feel the hardly stitched wounds in me itch and threaten to bleed again. It was like opening the door to the past I had tried to close before, and it hurt when I scrambled through my old stuff, our notes we had written each other, our photos, everything that reminded me of her. I read and reviewed and tried to find a clue on her written letter, my heart racing between sweat attacks and chills, but I remained clueless. We were close, she and I. But I was never sure if she thought anything by it. I didn’t have much hope that she’d like me back anyway, so I don’t know why I felt the idea of hope suddenly rioting in my mind. If I asked my guts I wouldn’t know what they said. Quinn was a tricky person, and it was hard to get into her mind, even for me who knew her well. Her actions and her words spoke different languages most of the time. That’s what made it so difficult to see to what degree she liked me and how she valued our friendship.

* * *

 

I sat in the café, stirring in my hot chocolate like there was no morning; a thing I did when I was nervous. I had done everything; I had even spoken to Quinn’s family. I didn’t get any information from them.  They said it could mean anything. I had nothing else to cling on to; there was nobody to tell me more than I already knew.  Nobody was closer to her than I had been. Nobody apart from one other person.  A shudder went over my spine when she appeared next to me. It was always a bit awkward to see her again, this Santana Lopez. I guess it was an ex-lovers thing: even though you were completely done with them and the past didn’t bother you at all, there was always something strange in meeting an ex. She sat the opposite side of me, observing me with her dark, dark eyes. I stirred the drink a little faster. It was a nice and sunny day which was the reason I had picked the table outside the café. Worst plan ever, but I come back to that later. I tried to watch the cars passing on the street behind her instead of her face, as I’m sure it would have made me even more nervous. We had a little small talk in which she asked me kindly how I had been, and I nodded, stating that I was alright. She told me, she had literally just been back from New York and then she chatted about what she had done since I had last heard from her, but I just listened with one ear. A ridiculous thought just popped into my head. Could Santana be the addressor of Quinn’s letter? I couldn’t take it anymore and eventually clutched the letter on the table and explained the matter to her. “Please,” I said with shaking voice. “If you know anything about it, tell me.” She took her time to reply. I was so short on patience these days.

“Were you two in love?”  I asked. Santana’s eyes shot up and she stared at me like I had a spider sitting on my face.

“What? No!” She noticed how serious I was. “Britt, no! I’m honest here. That’s not what this is about.” She held up the letter.

“Tell me _what_ it is about then!” I demanded, avoiding her eyes. The silver BMW behind her was racing far too fast. The traffic lights went red.

“I don’t know who the letter is for, but I think I know who it is about.”

There was a truck coming round the corner, right in the second when the silver car dashed over red. My body stiffened for a whole second when I saw them crash, but I felt myself reacting when the BMW came flying towards us. Santana had just turned around to see where the noise came from, when I jerked forward and yanked her off her chair; a flicker of silver was the only thing I saw before everything blacked out.

* * *

 

When I opened my eyes I saw myself lying in between chairs and broken china. The massive body of the silver car lay meters away against the wall of the café.

“Britt” Britt!”

I sat up and looked into Santana’s troubled face. She kneeled beside me, her forehead was bleeding. But apart from that she seemed okay. Thank god.

“Britt!” She shouted again as if she didn’t realise that I was fine.

“Yes. Yes,” I replied. “For God’s sake, you don’t need to scream at me.”

“Britt!”

“What?!” I shouted back at her, but at the same second I realised that she wasn’t directly looking at me. What was she looking at? I followed her gaze down beside me and yelped. There on the floor, next to where I sat, where my body had hit the pavement, I saw nobody else than myself. Pale faced, blood trickling from my head, soaking my blonde hair.

“No!” I almost screamed, trying to reach for my body but my hand just waved through it. I was not solid. “No, no, no! Please.” Santana next to me, bend shaking over my body, breaking into tears. “Britt, no. Not you, too, “ she cried. 

“Santana, I’m here!” I shouted, but like expected, nobody heard me.

“Please, I can’t die now!” I called into the streets, panicking, but I felt my body soaring already. “Can I please get back there?! Hey I thought you are allowed to go back into your body!” I looked back down on myself and how people now crowded over me and Santana. I saw my eyeballs rolled inwards, as my chest wouldn’t rise and fall anymore. I was dead.

“Well, shit,” I murmured before everything around me burst in a whirl of bright colours.

* * *

 

I rushed through colours I had never seen before. Everything was so, so bright and warm. Hot actually, but it didn’t hurt. I felt good. Then, when the colours stopped, everything around me was plain white but still warm and bright. It was an endless room with no end, no restrictions, just nothing but white. Somehow I always expected it to be green. I had imagined grass green meadows and pale light that would speak to me in a warm voice. Apparently it was nothing like that. There was a door not far from me. A single frame. There was nothing else to do so I stepped through and into another room that was just like the other, with the difference that there was someone standing there. A person, dressed in a beautiful coat of light and without a face. I approached them. Was that God? If that was God, then he wasn’t tall at all.

“Brittany Susan Pierce, “ a voice rang , louder than in my scariest nightmares. This was not a pleasant voice at all. It was loud, it was resounding and so deep. I saw the figure before me stretching out their hand and holding a thing that looked like a weirdly shaped bubble. I stepped up and took it from them. Another door appeared. This was the strangest place I had ever seen. Was this heaven? It was definitely scarier than I had imagined heaven. I walked through the door.  The next room was much more like real room. It looked like an office, just a million times bigger than any usual offices. It had a counter just in front of me and a dozen of sofas to the right, if it was even possible to say what’s right and what’s left. A few people chilled on the sofas and read magazines. _Magazines?_   Then, on the other side behind the counter I could see more doors with numbers and signs on it.

„Um… Excuse me.“

The guy at the counter looked at me friendly.

“Yes my dear?”

“Um…  I think I am dead?”

“You are indeed, darling.” He replied in soft voice, but sounding disinterested as if this was the millionth time he had to explain this and because of that lost every enthusiasm. He had a British accent, or Irish, I really couldn’t tell, and I would have found it fascinating if my situation wasn’t so… well, so devastating right now.  I still wished this to be a dream and to wake up next to Santana in the café, or better yet, wake up next to Quinn three years ago. But now I was my dream, I was nothing but my thoughts and memories. I had left my body behind and the fact that I could see myself now as if nothing happed, didn’t mean I needed this body anymore. It was a projection, and nothing but a projection.

“Have you got the number they gave you outside?”

I nodded and passed him the little bubble which contained an insane amount of number and colours. I watched him pushing it into a small box which was wired to a computer.

“Is this a real computer?” I asked curiously. If I didn’t need my body, why would they need PC’s? And how would it make sense to stick a bubble into a computer? The man looked up and observed me for a while. Then he smiled.

“Not a lot of people ask me this, although it’s an obvious question to ask, don’t you think? But even in death, people take the world as it is and accept, without wondering. They were disinterested in the wonders of their material life as long as they could enrich themselves and had no worries. Only a few people realise that “real” is quite a subjective term. “

He looked up to me again and sighed.

“It’s a shame you hadn’t have the chance to explore this world down there a little more. But you’ll like it here. Everything can be real as long as you consider it to be so. “

The computer screen flashed.

„Alright, door W it is for you.“

“Wait, I… I can’t go yet.” I protested, thinking about the world I had left behind. “I need to go back!”

The man raised his eyebrow.

“All this happened at the complete wrong time. I forgot something. I was about to-“

“Sweetie, everyone does. Don’t worry about it.  There is almost never a good time to die. And as for  the living, they will be alright. Trust me.”

“This is not about the living!” I almost yelled, surprised by the clearness and volume of my voice. I had to go back and see what Santana had to say. She knew.  And I died before she could say it. I would refuse to go through any of those doors before I found out what Quinn’s secret was.  I explained myself to the guy and told him what I was up to. He gave me an empathic look.  But then he said there was nothing that could be done for me.

“Please, let me go back in time and see,” I pleaded. “Or,” I had an idea. “Let me go and find her here! Haven’t you got a file on this computer to localize her?”

The guy laughed. “Yes, but are you aware of how long it takes to look through the uncounted numbers of people here? Every day I have 77,233 of new folk arriving. And that’s just half the number of deaths in the whole world. Look behind you, there’s already a queue.”

I turned around and it was true. At least a dozen people were queuing behind me.

“Haven’t you got a search button?” I replied angry. The guy shook his head. This upset me. Yes even in death, people behind desks were stubborn as fuck.

“Please let me go back to just sort this one thing out!” I said. “Please.” I think he indeed pitied me, as he bit his lip, unsure of a decision. Then he referred me to a seat not far and told me to wait while he sorted out the next people. I sat down and waited. Time passed, at least I had the feeling that it did, even though it was probably not relevant anymore. I guess I had to get used to having endless time.  I saw the people pass their bubbles to the receptionist and disappear in one of the many doors of the room without walls. Many old folks different ethics, young people, and even children. I saw no babies. For a moment I wondered what happened with their souls. They were clearly unable to walk? Would they even come here? Would they be brought? Eventually, after ages, I got called back to the counter.  “Please,” I said. “Please let me go back.”

“You are lucky,” he said. “Your request is permitted. Only, because we fear that you have the potential to become a restless soul if you don’t go. And you deserve to have your peace.  I give you one day. Choose wisely.”

“Any day?”

“Any day. That can be the present if you wish. Or any day in the past.”

I tried to think what day would be the best day to find out Quinn’s secret. It would have to be the day she wrote the letter or even before. But when did she write that? I had to make a decision.

“Ready?”

I nodded. He snapped with his fingers. The room around me disappeared in a whirl of colours once again. I fell through a never ending vortex, through particles of light, brighter than I ever imagined light to be. I fell and fell, fell back in years until the surroundings took shape.  Lima Ohio began to form itself around me and one second later I found myself standing on the pavement in front of my house. I blinked a few times.

“Wow,” it escaped my lips. This was intense. Was this really back in time? I swear this could have been earlier this morning. The sun was bright in the sky, the grass was green, everything was peaceful. Like always. I walked a bit. Quinn wasn’t living far from here. I didn’t know what day it was though, and if she was at home. If it was that day, if it was really that very day she died, then she would be. I remembered, that before she had gone home and before she had this accident, she had met me to hang out in the park. It was worth a try to see and look if she was still there, so I set my feet into the right direction. Walking didn’t exhaust me at all.

I saw her standing by the trees. The girl with the beautiful long hair, object of my desire and burning love. Her features were sharp and detailed, like she was real. She _was_ real! This was reality, just far far back in time. I never wanted to leave again, not going back into the waiting hall. But something told me I wouldn’t have much time to discover her secret. I stepped closer to her on trembling legs and the nervousness restricted my breath. Her gaze fell in my direction. Could she see me? Her hazel eyes lay upon mine like the last time when I had seen her. The way she looked at me for a last time had burned itself into my memory for that I would never forget.  A shudder ran over my body. I could feel every single hair prickle on my arm. The surrounding, the street… I shouldn’t be mistaken. This was exactly the moment. She took an eager step towards me and I froze, not knowing what to do. “Quinn,” I wanted to say, “is that really you? I’ve missed you like hell.” But instead I said: “Quinn, you are in danger. You’re going die, if you do what you plan on doing today.” She didn’t react on my ludicrous attempt to change the future. Was that even possible and if yes, what would happen to my dead body? Would I be dead and she alive?  When I still wondered about it, her eyes dropped. I don’t think she could hear me. I was just a ghost. Instead I heard something else. Turning around I saw who she had really looked at. Someone stood behind me, someone very familiar.

“Quinn!” my past self, Brittany, spoke, searching for her eyes. I couldn’t recall what this conversation was about anymore, I only knew that it was the last one we had. The girl with the blue eyes was no copy, she was real, like Quinn, and it was strange to see myself from another perspective. But this was barely important now. It was Quinn I lay my focus on.

“You have to go already? I thought we could spend some more time,” I heard the Brittany from the past speaking. Those eyes of mine sparkled, with hope. I had wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. But Quinn dropped her shoulders.

“Maybe later in the evening, B, I’ve got something to do.” She still looked to the ground. Why did she do that? I never noticed it back then. Her posture was reluctant, almost shy. Had it something to do with the secret?

“Okay, it’s just… I can’t stay up so late, so the earlier would be the better.”

 “I’ll try to be as early as possible!” She finally looked up and gave a weak smile. She was so cute.  But something seemed to bother or worry her. She shifted forward very slightly, moving her toes. I could see it now, but I couldn’t see it when I was my past self, staring at her eyes. I knew I was hurt by the slight rejection of Quinn there. Or, to be more precisely, I was confused. Confused about the signs she sent me, rejecting me without reason, but never _really_ rejecting me. Did this make sense? I never knew if she just did me the favour or if she really wanted to spend so much time with me. I saw the 17-year old Brittany next to me stiffen up and missing Quinn’s motion of moving closer to me. I remembered that in this moment, I had thought, that I loved Quinn in a way she would never love me back. But now I looked at her face once more, from a different angle, and she was shy and trembling and she moved towards me, so slightly it was barely noticeable. She did long for me in this moment, she wanted me close! And the idiot me was oblivious to that because I was too narrow minded. The past me took a step back and nodded.

“No, hug her!” I shouted at myself. “Hug her, god damnit!”

But Quinn died without hugging me ever again. I couldn’t even tell when I had last embraced her body- it was too long ago. Brittany said goodbye and turned around. I stumbled up to my image and slapped her right across the face. The only person I would ever hit, the only one I had the right to hit, was myself.  But as soon as my hand touched the skin, it went right through. I was not solid. I had almost forgotten about that. When my rage was over and nothing worked to blow some sense into the old me, I turned around to Quinn again to find her still standing frozen in place. Her eyes gave away that she wasn’t satisfied, either. She rubbed her eyes, which had become dull and expressionless. Then she turned around and I decided to follow her. I knew she would die today and yet I didn’t want to see it. When I went back with her, I was relieved to see that it was just her house she was going to and that she was not taking the car somewhere else.

I followed her into her house and let her get a juice and use the bathroom, taking seat in her room and waiting for what she was up to. Quinn placed her I-pod into the docking station and switched it on, then she sat down at her desk and switched the laptop on. I followed everything she did and paid attention to the emails she checked, but I couldn’t find anything relevant to the case. There was no mail or message of Finn, which was a relief, but then I wondered, if I had picked out the correct day to even find out her secret. I looked around in her room, but couldn’t see anything that looked like the letter. I almost wanted to give up when Quinn pulled out a sheet of paper and began to hand-write something. I pulled my attention from the cute photoframe that had a photo of me and Quinn in New York. It was the Glee Club trip to the Nationals. I think I fell in love with her that day…

_“Hey,”_

She was writing it. I trembled with excitement. She was really writing the letter. I could hear her pen scratching over the paper. She wrote very slowly, thinking about her words.

“Oh, B…” she sighed.

_The letter was for me!_

“You must already think that I’m a rubbish friend. I don’t want you to think I’m lying to you.” She spoke to herself, but spoke to me at the same time, looking at the picture frame. I kneeled at the side of her desk to see into her eyes. They looked sad. All the colour seemed to have vanished from them. She took the frame and stroke her fingers over my face in a loving gesture.

“I don’t want to lie to you. You mean everything to me.” She whispered. I stared at her, hanging on her words. Words, she never even wrote on the paper. Quinn looked from the frame to the paper and back and then continued her writing. I knew she wouldn’t finish it, but now I could imagine what it was about. Surely she meant to write that she loved me? Why would not telling me make her a liar though?

“I…” She began the last sentence, stopped writing and instead said out loud again. “I’m not Beth’s cousin… I’m Beth’s birthmother.” She threw a look on her watch. “Oh shit, I need to go!” She closed her pen, and stuck the paper into one of her desk drawers and left.  I stayed behind in shock. What? This was it? This was the secret? I didn’t even care about the fact that she was Beth real mother, as about the fact that I was left hanging about Quinn’s feelings towards me. I thought it had been obvious now that she had feelings for me. Or maybe not? I would never find out. We both died without knowing the truth.

 “Have you seen enough?” It was the receptionist appearing next to me. He gave me an apologetic look as I nodded weakly. That was it. That was her. I knew that when Quinn left the house she would die.  I did not want to see this. I just couldn’t.  Again I fell through a storm of colours until I recognised the weird place, the waiting hall, from before. My sadness turned into anger. Anger about everything. Why did she have to die? _Why why why?_ I almost didn’t even care my own death. Mine was not important because she had already been gone. And why was this place, heaven or whatever the hell it was, not helpful in finding other dead people? Gosh, this planet inhabited too many people- in the world of living as well as in the world of death.

“I need to find her!” I bellowed, as soon as I saw the stupid counter in front of me again. I needed to. They were concerned about me becoming a restless soul? I was now even more restless.  

“Good luck with that,” he replied lightly. I couldn’t believe it.

“Seriously man, is there nothing you can do about this? You can’t tell me that  it’s impossible to find her? Down there,” I motioned t to the ground. “they always say, that you are able to find your relatives in after-life, are you telling me this is a lie?”

“Are you a relative?” The guy raised a brow.

“No, but… we were close.”

He smiled. “Sometimes people wait.” He made a gesture to the place I sat and waited before. “They wait until their loved ones come and then they go together. But if someone doesn’t wait, it doesn’t mean you can’t find them. I suggest that you just try it. Time is not relevant here, and I’m sure you’ll find her… eventually.”

I wanted to punch his not existing guts up his throat; I wanted to punch everyone. Being dead sucked so much. Shaking fists I stomped through gate W. I had no other choice, and it was annoying. It was really fucking annoying.

* * *

 

Yes, I didn’t believe that dying, which leads into the state of death was too bad. But it had turned out, that being dead was no fun at all, not when you had lost someone, and had to find them.

It was boring. I didn’t have to eat or drink, or need the toilet, although I probably could, just to pretend that I continued a normal human life with their human body. I was so bored out of my mind, that I changed my clothes about every 15 minutes. I tried pretty dresses from the 60s, tried roman tunics which weren’t even so bad on me, I must say, and different costumes of Indian belly dancers. Also, I had never done so much hiking in my life than I did now in my after-life, but the best thing was, that it wasn’t exhausting at all. And apart from the boringness of walking forever, at least the surrounding was nice to watch. When in the beginning, everything around me was white, it had changed drastically. I walked through grass green meadows, over stony hills and into barren volcano land until I found myself in the jungle. It made me wonder if there was even a thing like hell or heaven or if it was just all like this. I also wondered about the purpose of all this. Was there any? Had there been purpose in life? So would there be purpose in death? Would it lead somewhere? On my wander, I occasionally met other people, some were walking, some were resting, but Quinn wasn’t amongst them.

At the top of a mountain I sat down, leaned my back against mossy row of stones and looked up into a violet sunset. How would I be able to find her? I could go anywhere, into endless wilderness, and all I had, would be the feeling, that the direction I went into was the right one. I sighed.  Down there in the valley, along a river I could see a little train running along its tracks. I had not seen a train in this world before and I became curious. Without wasting time I climbed back down. When I reached the tracks after what felt like two days, the train was long gone. But here I was, standing next to train tracks. Who knew where they would lead me. I figured, that it was a better idea to follow them, instead of just wandering about. At least, so I hoped, this would lead me in a certain direction, even though the destination was unknown. So I followed the tracks, downriver until the water became broader and broader and I left the forests. A fine breeze ruffled my hair, and soon in time (it was still difficult to define a term _time_ ), I could hear seagulls. I was surprised to hear any animal noises as it had been very quiet until this point. I figured that I was close to a beach and my suspicion should turn out to be correct. A long, white beach soon stretched out before my feet, and blue, crystal clear water swashed frisky under a bright sky. 

Someone was there. A small person stood the very edge of a pier that was mounted into the sand. I smiled, glad to see someone after walking alone for a very long time. Maybe they could tell me, if this train would show up at some point again. I approached them slowly.

In the moment I recognised her, I didn’t think it was possible. Through this entire search and all this years I had missed her and tried to find her. And now when I finally did, I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t notice me, just remained standing still, with her back turned towards me. So I called her by her name.

“Quinn!” Her name felt good on my tongue again. I repeated myself. “ Quinn, Quinn, Quinn!”

She startled, surprised to her name and turned around to me. The next second I had already thrown myself into her arms. She gasped and I must have, as well, when our bodies collided.

“Oh my God Britt, what are you doing here? Are you..? Oh you must be!” She ripped away from me again to look at me, examining my face, making sure this was not a weird after-life illusion.

“Fuck, Britt, is that really you?” Her hands ran over my face along my cheek and my neck while the expression in her face changed from excitement to disbelieve to pain and back to excitement. Finally she seemed to realise that she was not betrayed by her eyes and she opened her arms to hug me again, smiling widely.

But before I knew what I was doing I rushed forward and pushed her hard.

“How dare you?” I roared. “How dare you not telling me about Beth!” Furiously I began to pound against her chest. She tried to catch my hands to hold them still.

“I am genuinely sorry, Britt. It was a difficult time, and I meant to tell you, I wrote-”

“I know, I found out!” My voice whipped through the air. I pushed her backwards, again, threateningly close to the edge. I had never felt this energy. “You are soooo…!”

“Why are you so angry?” Quinn was clearly surprised by my presence, but even more surprised by my outbreak.

“I’m not, I’m just… I thought the letter meant something else!”

Quinn observed me with squint eyes. “What did you think it meant?”

“I thought you would tell me that you loved me!” I squeaked and took a step away from her. There, it was finally out. Had only taken me a few years and a ride to the afterlife.

Quinn’s eyes widened for a second, but then she laughed.  It was actually the most beautiful laugh I had heard of her, so free and without any bitterness. A pure laughter of happiness. She smiled and took me by the shoulders, softly.

“That is,” she said, “Something I wanted to tell you rather than write. But I never made it.”

Her fingers grazed along me upper arm to my shoulders and down, and up again until they lingered at the bottom of my neck.

I didn’t waste any second. Time was not relevant anymore, but when it came to Quinn, I never had enough time. Her hands closed around my body as I pushed into her and captured her lips with mine. She kissed me back fiercely, and she held me firmly as if we had been lovers for ever. Maybe we were, without even realising it. She pushed me back and I sunk down onto the pier, pulling her on top of me. The sound of our furious love-making was drowned by the voice of the tides and of the laughing seagulls above us. 

* * *

 

I can’t remember how many times the sun set and rose again while we just lay there in the sand, curled up into each other.  I would never let her go again. Never.  

“You could have waited for me in the waiting hall.” I said to her, my fingers playfully caressing the inner of her elbow . “Why did you not do it?”

“I knew you would find me one day.”

She put her arms around my waist and pulled me closer.

“Don’t ever leave me again,“ I whispered, my head resting between her neck and shoulder.

We had left our bodies when we died and our current bodies were unlike the old ones. They were free from strength or weakness, and the only thing that remained strongly was feelings.  Feelings, impressions, senses, memories, everything was present and stronger than I would ever be able to feel it when I was alive.

“Never,” she replied, pressing herself into me, and took my hand into hers.  “From now on we’ll go together, there won’t be anything that takes us apart.”

It was bright behind us. Light, beautiful light, the brightest I had ever seen, spread around us and blurred out the landscape. I nestled as close to Quinn as I could, leaning my head against her collarbone while my hand still held on to hers. No, I would never let go. I turned my head and searched for her eyes.

“Quinn?”  
“Mhh?”

“I love you so much.” Those words were true, and they were spoken while we were embraced by nothing than light which was nothing but love.  And while I didn’t know what exactly happened when we lost contact with the ground like on the day I died, but I didn’t panic because this time Quinn was with me. I grabbed her face and kissed her, so fondly and I only could. And she kissed me back while the sand under us disappeared and we soared up into beautiful light, knowing nothing but one thing- that we would be together, for the rest of an eternity.

 

Love wins.

 


End file.
